Risky business.

Chance
–verb (used with object)
12.
to take the chances or risks of; risk (often fol. by impersonal it ): I'll have to chance it, whatever the outcome.

To take a chance by definition is to be at the risk of an unwanted outcome. Everyday we take chances, though some smaller than others; we risk our lives, our hearts and our words. The more you chance and succeed the more confident you get, for example, risking an orange light at the traffic lights, the more you get away with it, the more likely you are to continue to run them, no matter how far from green and close to red they are. With this idea in mind, I question if we chance it to often? Without a stern word or punishment, whether it be out right or the backlash of something, do we ever learn to count our blessings? Or are some of us destined to push our luck.

When put at a situation of choice, we are in a position of change and chance. We make a choice, always with risk; we take a chance on something. People give up on each other everyday, sometimes its easier to give up the chance and protect yourself from the possible outcome. We run from our friends, we don’t give chances, we leave with no words or explanations, simply because its easier for us; in some ways, I cant say this is a bad way to go about it; however without chance, there is no change (situation or personally), without change – no matter how small, there really is no living, we are merely getting busy dying.

When it comes down to it, we should take chances on people, we shouldn’t let others down, what is there to life without the people you care about in it? Every let down is another reason to add a brick to your walls, its so easy to fall into that. Some people are higher risk than others, some things are higher risk than others. But maybe that’s the point? I say this having not taken a lot of chances I should have, not given a lot of chances I should have, my lessons have served me right, but those chances are gone now, I got it to late. So my question is, do words time out? How many no matter what situations are there? Maybe the answer is to believe there is none.

I can be right here empty with you. but ill distract myself.

Considering its break up season and all. My own heart has me thinking about the distractions we use to think about anything but the jagged hole that the other half of you of - enter time period here- has left behind. Trusting someone is something everyone talks about "i have trust issues" etc, but more often than not we do it without realizing how much we have invested in someone, from the word go, each hour that that you spend with someone, they are getting to know you more, you're investing more in them. As the weeks and weekends together stack up, talking about the future and next week, next month, planning special days, birthdays and holidays, you just do it so absent mindedly, assuming they will be there. What happens when they aren't?

Almost everyone has experienced that deep empty feeling where you feel sick at the idea of the person you loved, or still love, or even just like with anyone but you. But it is inevitable that we all must move on and like and love again, the kind of love that lingers over months and years, unbreakable to even the most determine hearts; its not a common off the shelf product. Every person you share your life with is a new experience and a new lesson. Break ups feel more like funerals, going through the stages of numbness, anger, unbearable sadness, regret, and ultimately acceptance; through all of this it’s a constant battle to remain distracted, study and work and life in general all become too much. Unless you can consume yourself in anything that puts a pause on those stages, so you can stop yourself hurting a little longer, they will catch you.

Alcohol, drugs, any form of mind numbing substance – these are a cheaters short cut to dealing. Going out and waking up in someone else’s bed – sure you felt real good last night but you’re gonna feel worst the rest of the week and pay for your actions in the harsh words your friends wont tell you because they know you’re just trying to cope, but everyone else will. Secrets come out in break ups, all the things people hid from you surface because they can tell you now that your ex other half is no longer your date to social events.

People run riot post break up, get your hearts out cause im on a head first course to smash them all, all I want is for you to care for five minutes so I can feel better about myself. Subconsciously, regardless of everything we say about them, sometimes we turn into a crazy person running through the streets trying to get the one person you want to love you back again.

At the end of it all, love makes you crazy, and honestly, Id be a hypocrite to give advice, cause I wont follow it. Ill continue to run riot, leaving disaster behind me cause that’s how I love, and the day I face my fears will be a great day for the person who lights up my path through the darkness, cause mark my words, they will be the happiest person to walk this earth. Me aside, what I can say is, never apologize for the times your heart takes over your head. Never ever forget feeling something is what living is. Go ahead and distract yourself but soon enough those feelings, they’ll catch you.

the little things in life and what change does to them.

I’ve always been the sort of person that needs the newest, greatest things. Growing up an only child in a family where I had 3 mothers (my mum, my nana and my auntie) I almost always got everything I wanted. I assumed we were in a position that I could ask for anything, recently I discovered this wasn’t the case, I never realized how much my mother and my family have given up and gone without just to make me smile, just so i get my dreams. I texted my mum today, this was the text – ‘I have a little treat for you, for always being the best mum I could ask for and working hard all day long, go to Charlton jewelers and pick out a bead for your Pandora bracelet, theres a free one set up and ready for you on the account, you just need to pick it out’ - my mum called me later that evening, she said (along the lines of), thank you so much, you made my day. And with that, she made my day.

The little things in life. Those five words together really get me thinking; in reference to everything in life, these are the most important. Break ups hurt, but when you’re sitting there, alone in your bedroom, half a bottle of cheap red down, secondhand serenade on repeat and the holder of your broken hearts facebook page up on refresh; what are the things you miss? - the little things. You miss the smallest things that you overlooked at the time, you regret not making the most of every second, assuming every dinner date would never be the last, assuming every stupid little fight in the car over a misread road sign would be covered up by the next one where you joke about the last. You rip yourself up over the smallest thing you didn’t take into account at the time. Gushing aside, these little things are part of every kind of relationship or experience, broken friendships send you into a reminisce when hearing a certain song or seeing a certain inside joke walk by or occur.

Today I saw a side of an old life I used to lead; I saw it empty and cold and I remembered why I left. I took a good hard look at myself and I remembered what a friend told me earlier – “you cant change who you are if you’re unhappy, that wont change the fact that you’re not happy; you can only change your situation” - she is so right. Change is such a wide word to me. Yes, I have changed, im still me, but my situation has changed, that’s what makes us different now. Yes, I wont ever stop missing those little things. But I cannot wish them back to life by staring at them and chopping off limbs to try fit back into them.

At the end of it all, don’t ever stop yourself living, don’t be on rewind more than you’re on play. The little things are the most beautiful and from this day, im going to try notice them more. But, the little things that are gone, that’s what they are, gone, you had them and now you don’t and bluntly, it sucks, but maybe those little things wont end up your greatest regrets. Maybe your futures hardly begun and someone else, something else, is going to bring along a whole lot of new little things that you make sure you’ll never ever have to miss. Or maybe you'll get those little things back and this time, don't you blink.

Touch and go.

This being my first post, i guess i should introduce myself but in all honesty, i don't want to relate this blog hugely to myself, but more to the world i live in and the things i learn in it. So ill jump right into it and along the way, you'll meet more of me, who i am and who i used to be.

In life, as we get older, i find the little things always start to mean more. Peoples sense of living heightens as we start to experience new emotions, gain new memories and change (ourselves and the things in our life's). I can only assume we crave the sense of being alive and feeling something less, the more we grow and the more we find, in ourselves and in the people we share ourselves with.

Constantly questioning our decisions and the bed we have made ourselves. This is where we become touch and go.

Touch and go is a like my personal place where facing forward only makes me need to look back to keep going. Letting go is easier for some people, i guess it depends what you're letting go; remembering the things you failed in or broke beyond repair, it hurts. We are often pushed into the time and space where a decision to let go or not is thrusted upon us, ready or not. Time shouldn't matter, but it does, because we are merely one part of a clock that continues to tick whether you can tell the difference between yesterday or a month ago. Life is short, i suppose, if you stay numb long enough, you will start to miss all the things happening in front of you. Regardless of your decisions, in almost all situations, someone else must be let down, hurt or put in a position of uncertainty to your decision. But pairing this with time itself, sometimes we just are not ready to make a decision, sometimes we think we need longer to re-hurt the person we are running from, to steal emotions from someone else that hasn't hurt us yet, to simply ignore the fact that your life is part of the life's of everyone around you. A friend of mine reminded me the other day, 'Being scared isn't an excuse', but when did being scared stop being an excuse and when did this all get so scary?

I rely on song lyrics, t.v shows and movies to try explain my feelings or predict the happy ending i want, i watch The O.C, One Tree Hill, Gossip Girl and Sex & the City and match who i think i and my life relates to, to the characters involved. I listen to The Spill Canvas and reproduce those lyrics as if im explaining all my hearts desires. But those worlds and those desires are not my own, no matter how much i disregard what im doing, waiting till the ending in those shows or the words in those songs mean enough and become my reality. They are not. The only love story worth telling is your own. The only life story worth directing is the one you control; your own. I am not Chuck Bass, i wont get the exact ending Carrie and Big got but i can hope i will and do everything within my power to work towards being the kind of person that deserves it.

I have lived in a touch and go state for at least a year now, constantly looking back.. looking so far back i missed all the chances what i was looking for was crossing my path again. Faith is a great thing, i say this in a non-religious context, to have faith in something, in yourself, in hope itself. Im constantly playing catch up, in limbo of who i was and who i am, weather that place even exists.

Sometimes its easier to lose yourself in the characters on the screen in front of you, in the words of others, in the memories you hold and in the day dreams and dreams your mind tricks you with. But until you find the words and actions and manufacture the bandages big enough to mend your wounds and the wounds your previous actions and words have caused to others, nothing will change. You will continue to lick those wounds as you try to fit into the new spaces made for you.

I personally do wish i could change a lot of things i regret, for a long time i will wake up every morning with a tear that runs through my heart and mind that reminds me of the broken glass i sprayed beneath the feet of others and beneath my own. But i know i cant go back and remove the actions of others upon me and the actions of myself upon them, i can only move forward, lessons learnt and punishments received. I don't believe at the end of the day we can only trust ourselves. I think we can learn to be loyal to others and trust others with ourselves and our actions and our words.

At the end of the day, playground rules still remain; treat others how you want to be treated. And if you don't, you cant blame them but you can hope they care about you enough to say, being scared was an excuse then, but it isn't now and now is your chance to face your fears.