Touch and go.

This being my first post, i guess i should introduce myself but in all honesty, i don't want to relate this blog hugely to myself, but more to the world i live in and the things i learn in it. So ill jump right into it and along the way, you'll meet more of me, who i am and who i used to be.

In life, as we get older, i find the little things always start to mean more. Peoples sense of living heightens as we start to experience new emotions, gain new memories and change (ourselves and the things in our life's). I can only assume we crave the sense of being alive and feeling something less, the more we grow and the more we find, in ourselves and in the people we share ourselves with.

Constantly questioning our decisions and the bed we have made ourselves. This is where we become touch and go.

Touch and go is a like my personal place where facing forward only makes me need to look back to keep going. Letting go is easier for some people, i guess it depends what you're letting go; remembering the things you failed in or broke beyond repair, it hurts. We are often pushed into the time and space where a decision to let go or not is thrusted upon us, ready or not. Time shouldn't matter, but it does, because we are merely one part of a clock that continues to tick whether you can tell the difference between yesterday or a month ago. Life is short, i suppose, if you stay numb long enough, you will start to miss all the things happening in front of you. Regardless of your decisions, in almost all situations, someone else must be let down, hurt or put in a position of uncertainty to your decision. But pairing this with time itself, sometimes we just are not ready to make a decision, sometimes we think we need longer to re-hurt the person we are running from, to steal emotions from someone else that hasn't hurt us yet, to simply ignore the fact that your life is part of the life's of everyone around you. A friend of mine reminded me the other day, 'Being scared isn't an excuse', but when did being scared stop being an excuse and when did this all get so scary?

I rely on song lyrics, t.v shows and movies to try explain my feelings or predict the happy ending i want, i watch The O.C, One Tree Hill, Gossip Girl and Sex & the City and match who i think i and my life relates to, to the characters involved. I listen to The Spill Canvas and reproduce those lyrics as if im explaining all my hearts desires. But those worlds and those desires are not my own, no matter how much i disregard what im doing, waiting till the ending in those shows or the words in those songs mean enough and become my reality. They are not. The only love story worth telling is your own. The only life story worth directing is the one you control; your own. I am not Chuck Bass, i wont get the exact ending Carrie and Big got but i can hope i will and do everything within my power to work towards being the kind of person that deserves it.

I have lived in a touch and go state for at least a year now, constantly looking back.. looking so far back i missed all the chances what i was looking for was crossing my path again. Faith is a great thing, i say this in a non-religious context, to have faith in something, in yourself, in hope itself. Im constantly playing catch up, in limbo of who i was and who i am, weather that place even exists.

Sometimes its easier to lose yourself in the characters on the screen in front of you, in the words of others, in the memories you hold and in the day dreams and dreams your mind tricks you with. But until you find the words and actions and manufacture the bandages big enough to mend your wounds and the wounds your previous actions and words have caused to others, nothing will change. You will continue to lick those wounds as you try to fit into the new spaces made for you.

I personally do wish i could change a lot of things i regret, for a long time i will wake up every morning with a tear that runs through my heart and mind that reminds me of the broken glass i sprayed beneath the feet of others and beneath my own. But i know i cant go back and remove the actions of others upon me and the actions of myself upon them, i can only move forward, lessons learnt and punishments received. I don't believe at the end of the day we can only trust ourselves. I think we can learn to be loyal to others and trust others with ourselves and our actions and our words.

At the end of the day, playground rules still remain; treat others how you want to be treated. And if you don't, you cant blame them but you can hope they care about you enough to say, being scared was an excuse then, but it isn't now and now is your chance to face your fears.