When we are young, with every mistake, every bad move, every lost friendship or relationship, its trial and error. Regrets come easy when you lose what was once the familiar, we react to change and try change ourselves, change the way the story actually played out, blow the outcome and the actions out of proportion. We go into self-preservation mode. For example, you break up with your girlfriend/ boyfriend and your friends will have your back to the grave “they pushed you, you were so good to them, she/he is really messed up, you deserve so much better, it was their fault” etc and their friends will have theirs “oh I hate them now, you were so good to them, I cant believe they did this to you” etc, you were both once two parts of a whole, now you’re two separate half’s on your own, so you no longer care about another in line with caring about yourself, so that ex the other half of me just becomes a memory OR you have a falling out with a friend and you both scramble to pled case to every surrounding player, to get some form of back up – secrets and lies come out and you create a brick wall telling the innocent bystanders to jump on a side. My question is… why do we self-preserve against facing the facts? When really we are just covering our bullet wounds with band-aids.
I feel like a bit of a hypocrite commenting on self-preservation because I do it to, but I know I do it and the older I get, the more relationships I’m in, the more experiences I have, the more I learn from these mistakes. A dear friend of mine (who’s conversations usually inspire the bulk of these entries) has been a rock full of wisdom for me the past few weeks, laying it down harsh as rocks, sure, my heart is a little worst for wear and my ego is a little battered but she makes a decent point. She sat me down as basically asked me where the hell I had lost myself, I had turned my past into princesses and castles, keeping it like a fairytale on lock, tight under my arm, not letting a page slip near the pen of any new potential ‘in shining armor’ types. When really the castles were abandoned, princesses no longer care whether you are on the guillotine or the sheets beside them and your fairytale is merely a scrapbook of torn images and loose ramblings. I had exchanged friendships as sacrifices to each other. Where do we loose the guts to be honest with each other and with ourselves? It seems the older we get the more we tip toe around ticking bombs that are clearly set to blow, however the older we get the more bombs we set for ourselves. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not claiming regret, I’m merely observing myself for afar and seeing how pathetic I look chasing hearts on strings, seeing how classless I look drowning my sorrows, seeing how heartless I look dodging love like bullets signed return to sender if destination is not reached, seeing how selfish I look leaving friendships half carved in marble when I get to the tricky details or lack the right tools.
Rough realizations. I still believe in happy ever after and I still believe in loyalty and hope and faith and fate and everything happening for a reason. I still believe in the power of love and I still believe love will conquer all. But different perspectives open new doors, doors for people locked in rooms. So stop putting band-aids on bullet wounds, because life is trial and error, hit and miss, and stitch’s look so much better than a blood stain on your tongue from licking your wounds.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
In the moment.
Everyday others invest their hopes and trust in us. We hear, say and do things that push and question, develop and grow – what we have with others and who we are. Sometimes we must make decisions we wish we didn’t have to. Choice, choosing, it’s a decision where everything negative rains harder so we can conclude and have reason to the conclusion. I’m not talking diet or regular (the answer is clearly zero – coke that is) I’m talking decisions that in the moment you have that choice to take or leave, to say or shut up, those choices where you know that this could potentially change something in your life, big or small.
This is where I have always tried so hard not to fall short, but its part of growing up I guess, making wrong decisions, ending up in the completely opposite place my head or heart desired. We look back in these moments and pin point the exact moment we fucked up on the directions and took a dodgy path.
But my question is, why is this wrong? This is part of life, the pain, the confusion; those are the emotions that teach you right from wrong. Maybe I’m just the kind of person that needs to learn lessons by breaking rules, tell me not to look at a light bulb cause it will be bright – I have to look now that you've told me not to and now I have a blurry patch on my eye… but ill probably do it again anyway, knowing the same outcome will occur.
‘Being young’ is such a common excuse “oh I’m only going to be young and be able to get with this now” – true, but if you fail to learn and grow from this, it is no longer an excuse, it’s a joke and you are a mess. I went to lunch with a friend the other day and whilst discussing a friend we both care about, we concluded the only way to describe this person was that they were a mess; bluntly that completely sums them up ‘a mess’. Sadly this person has had so many opportunities to further him or herself but just never learns and always falls short… I try hard not to be one to judge these days, but there’s a point in a friendship where you have to stand back and think ‘I’m killing myself out here man, in school, in love, in life’ – man up, you are strong enough; you’re just not trying hard enough.
So in the moment, you often get a choice, you can make this blindly or with partial insight, but you can never know the outcome. You can choose to remain loyal to someone over another, you can choose to pursue the same love interests cause you feel like your heart deserves it more, you can choose to move, to stay, to work hard. You get these choices, you cannot know the outcome, you can fuck it up and fix it, but once you make these choices, if they go sour and you’re not willing to call lemons, then you don’t get to complain. Make your choices and stand by them but admit your failures and learn from them; because the next decision you make could potentially change something in your life and big or small, only you hold the power to fix, fight, love, learn and live with it.
This is where I have always tried so hard not to fall short, but its part of growing up I guess, making wrong decisions, ending up in the completely opposite place my head or heart desired. We look back in these moments and pin point the exact moment we fucked up on the directions and took a dodgy path.
But my question is, why is this wrong? This is part of life, the pain, the confusion; those are the emotions that teach you right from wrong. Maybe I’m just the kind of person that needs to learn lessons by breaking rules, tell me not to look at a light bulb cause it will be bright – I have to look now that you've told me not to and now I have a blurry patch on my eye… but ill probably do it again anyway, knowing the same outcome will occur.
‘Being young’ is such a common excuse “oh I’m only going to be young and be able to get with this now” – true, but if you fail to learn and grow from this, it is no longer an excuse, it’s a joke and you are a mess. I went to lunch with a friend the other day and whilst discussing a friend we both care about, we concluded the only way to describe this person was that they were a mess; bluntly that completely sums them up ‘a mess’. Sadly this person has had so many opportunities to further him or herself but just never learns and always falls short… I try hard not to be one to judge these days, but there’s a point in a friendship where you have to stand back and think ‘I’m killing myself out here man, in school, in love, in life’ – man up, you are strong enough; you’re just not trying hard enough.
So in the moment, you often get a choice, you can make this blindly or with partial insight, but you can never know the outcome. You can choose to remain loyal to someone over another, you can choose to pursue the same love interests cause you feel like your heart deserves it more, you can choose to move, to stay, to work hard. You get these choices, you cannot know the outcome, you can fuck it up and fix it, but once you make these choices, if they go sour and you’re not willing to call lemons, then you don’t get to complain. Make your choices and stand by them but admit your failures and learn from them; because the next decision you make could potentially change something in your life and big or small, only you hold the power to fix, fight, love, learn and live with it.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
to remain with value.
To have good moral fibre suggests someone holds strong values and remains true to them. What is considered good moral values? Does this adjust to who we surround ourselves with? Helping the underdogs and trying to see the best in people that have had a fair share of screw-ups; are we lesser for this or more.
I think about all the ‘good’ people I know, the people that are trustworthy, caring and polite to everybody; good, nice, honest people. With this search I think of people that are trustworthy, loyal and caring towards me; not in a larger sense. I judge those who don’t treat me highly but that doesn’t mean they don’t treat others highly… so really, there must be people that don’t think the people I consider amazing, are.
Your level of moral fibre is judged by the ones you express yourself too. Thus the outcome, really, we are no better or worst than others, we are either known or unknown to each other, we have either made an effort and an impression or we haven’t.
With this I suppose I’ve started on moral values and faded into judging each other. But they kind of merge, you cannot judge someone you do not really know and if you do, you cannot assume that is their label forever, because to someone else, that person may be the best thing that’s ever happened to this world. Im really sick of people assuming the worst of each other and judging people they hardly know. Selfishness also falls in line here, think about what you did, who you are in the equation. Shrink your ego for five seconds here.
Lately I have been doing a lot of admitting that I was or am wrong. This really is like a serious moment in history… I hate being wrong. But it actually feels good to admit to it to yourself and the ones you care about; being able to recognize these failures, I think it does make you a better person, you’re selflessly admitting to another that you had a lapse in judgment. Last year my Nana was battling assumed terminal ovarian cancer, she kicked its ass and is as alive as ever, but it fucked me up, that on top of other things, last year was the worst year of my life, I’m only know realizing the impact I made on others I cared about when I was going through that, I was a completely different person.
So the moral of this story (see what I did there with the moral thing) is “you’ll never be you, you’ll be made up of all the people you’ve loved.” Your morals are effected by those you surround yourself with, you cannot judge what you do not know, think carefully, listen carefully and stand the fuck up, you owe the people you care about that, you owe them that, that’s the judge on your moral fibre, to value those that value you.
I think about all the ‘good’ people I know, the people that are trustworthy, caring and polite to everybody; good, nice, honest people. With this search I think of people that are trustworthy, loyal and caring towards me; not in a larger sense. I judge those who don’t treat me highly but that doesn’t mean they don’t treat others highly… so really, there must be people that don’t think the people I consider amazing, are.
Your level of moral fibre is judged by the ones you express yourself too. Thus the outcome, really, we are no better or worst than others, we are either known or unknown to each other, we have either made an effort and an impression or we haven’t.
With this I suppose I’ve started on moral values and faded into judging each other. But they kind of merge, you cannot judge someone you do not really know and if you do, you cannot assume that is their label forever, because to someone else, that person may be the best thing that’s ever happened to this world. Im really sick of people assuming the worst of each other and judging people they hardly know. Selfishness also falls in line here, think about what you did, who you are in the equation. Shrink your ego for five seconds here.
Lately I have been doing a lot of admitting that I was or am wrong. This really is like a serious moment in history… I hate being wrong. But it actually feels good to admit to it to yourself and the ones you care about; being able to recognize these failures, I think it does make you a better person, you’re selflessly admitting to another that you had a lapse in judgment. Last year my Nana was battling assumed terminal ovarian cancer, she kicked its ass and is as alive as ever, but it fucked me up, that on top of other things, last year was the worst year of my life, I’m only know realizing the impact I made on others I cared about when I was going through that, I was a completely different person.
So the moral of this story (see what I did there with the moral thing) is “you’ll never be you, you’ll be made up of all the people you’ve loved.” Your morals are effected by those you surround yourself with, you cannot judge what you do not know, think carefully, listen carefully and stand the fuck up, you owe the people you care about that, you owe them that, that’s the judge on your moral fibre, to value those that value you.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Risky business.
Chance
–verb (used with object)
12.
to take the chances or risks of; risk (often fol. by impersonal it ): I'll have to chance it, whatever the outcome.
To take a chance by definition is to be at the risk of an unwanted outcome. Everyday we take chances, though some smaller than others; we risk our lives, our hearts and our words. The more you chance and succeed the more confident you get, for example, risking an orange light at the traffic lights, the more you get away with it, the more likely you are to continue to run them, no matter how far from green and close to red they are. With this idea in mind, I question if we chance it to often? Without a stern word or punishment, whether it be out right or the backlash of something, do we ever learn to count our blessings? Or are some of us destined to push our luck.
When put at a situation of choice, we are in a position of change and chance. We make a choice, always with risk; we take a chance on something. People give up on each other everyday, sometimes its easier to give up the chance and protect yourself from the possible outcome. We run from our friends, we don’t give chances, we leave with no words or explanations, simply because its easier for us; in some ways, I cant say this is a bad way to go about it; however without chance, there is no change (situation or personally), without change – no matter how small, there really is no living, we are merely getting busy dying.
When it comes down to it, we should take chances on people, we shouldn’t let others down, what is there to life without the people you care about in it? Every let down is another reason to add a brick to your walls, its so easy to fall into that. Some people are higher risk than others, some things are higher risk than others. But maybe that’s the point? I say this having not taken a lot of chances I should have, not given a lot of chances I should have, my lessons have served me right, but those chances are gone now, I got it to late. So my question is, do words time out? How many no matter what situations are there? Maybe the answer is to believe there is none.
–verb (used with object)
12.
to take the chances or risks of; risk (often fol. by impersonal it ): I'll have to chance it, whatever the outcome.
To take a chance by definition is to be at the risk of an unwanted outcome. Everyday we take chances, though some smaller than others; we risk our lives, our hearts and our words. The more you chance and succeed the more confident you get, for example, risking an orange light at the traffic lights, the more you get away with it, the more likely you are to continue to run them, no matter how far from green and close to red they are. With this idea in mind, I question if we chance it to often? Without a stern word or punishment, whether it be out right or the backlash of something, do we ever learn to count our blessings? Or are some of us destined to push our luck.
When put at a situation of choice, we are in a position of change and chance. We make a choice, always with risk; we take a chance on something. People give up on each other everyday, sometimes its easier to give up the chance and protect yourself from the possible outcome. We run from our friends, we don’t give chances, we leave with no words or explanations, simply because its easier for us; in some ways, I cant say this is a bad way to go about it; however without chance, there is no change (situation or personally), without change – no matter how small, there really is no living, we are merely getting busy dying.
When it comes down to it, we should take chances on people, we shouldn’t let others down, what is there to life without the people you care about in it? Every let down is another reason to add a brick to your walls, its so easy to fall into that. Some people are higher risk than others, some things are higher risk than others. But maybe that’s the point? I say this having not taken a lot of chances I should have, not given a lot of chances I should have, my lessons have served me right, but those chances are gone now, I got it to late. So my question is, do words time out? How many no matter what situations are there? Maybe the answer is to believe there is none.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
I can be right here empty with you. but ill distract myself.
Considering its break up season and all. My own heart has me thinking about the distractions we use to think about anything but the jagged hole that the other half of you of - enter time period here- has left behind. Trusting someone is something everyone talks about "i have trust issues" etc, but more often than not we do it without realizing how much we have invested in someone, from the word go, each hour that that you spend with someone, they are getting to know you more, you're investing more in them. As the weeks and weekends together stack up, talking about the future and next week, next month, planning special days, birthdays and holidays, you just do it so absent mindedly, assuming they will be there. What happens when they aren't?
Almost everyone has experienced that deep empty feeling where you feel sick at the idea of the person you loved, or still love, or even just like with anyone but you. But it is inevitable that we all must move on and like and love again, the kind of love that lingers over months and years, unbreakable to even the most determine hearts; its not a common off the shelf product. Every person you share your life with is a new experience and a new lesson. Break ups feel more like funerals, going through the stages of numbness, anger, unbearable sadness, regret, and ultimately acceptance; through all of this it’s a constant battle to remain distracted, study and work and life in general all become too much. Unless you can consume yourself in anything that puts a pause on those stages, so you can stop yourself hurting a little longer, they will catch you.
Alcohol, drugs, any form of mind numbing substance – these are a cheaters short cut to dealing. Going out and waking up in someone else’s bed – sure you felt real good last night but you’re gonna feel worst the rest of the week and pay for your actions in the harsh words your friends wont tell you because they know you’re just trying to cope, but everyone else will. Secrets come out in break ups, all the things people hid from you surface because they can tell you now that your ex other half is no longer your date to social events.
People run riot post break up, get your hearts out cause im on a head first course to smash them all, all I want is for you to care for five minutes so I can feel better about myself. Subconsciously, regardless of everything we say about them, sometimes we turn into a crazy person running through the streets trying to get the one person you want to love you back again.
At the end of it all, love makes you crazy, and honestly, Id be a hypocrite to give advice, cause I wont follow it. Ill continue to run riot, leaving disaster behind me cause that’s how I love, and the day I face my fears will be a great day for the person who lights up my path through the darkness, cause mark my words, they will be the happiest person to walk this earth. Me aside, what I can say is, never apologize for the times your heart takes over your head. Never ever forget feeling something is what living is. Go ahead and distract yourself but soon enough those feelings, they’ll catch you.
Almost everyone has experienced that deep empty feeling where you feel sick at the idea of the person you loved, or still love, or even just like with anyone but you. But it is inevitable that we all must move on and like and love again, the kind of love that lingers over months and years, unbreakable to even the most determine hearts; its not a common off the shelf product. Every person you share your life with is a new experience and a new lesson. Break ups feel more like funerals, going through the stages of numbness, anger, unbearable sadness, regret, and ultimately acceptance; through all of this it’s a constant battle to remain distracted, study and work and life in general all become too much. Unless you can consume yourself in anything that puts a pause on those stages, so you can stop yourself hurting a little longer, they will catch you.
Alcohol, drugs, any form of mind numbing substance – these are a cheaters short cut to dealing. Going out and waking up in someone else’s bed – sure you felt real good last night but you’re gonna feel worst the rest of the week and pay for your actions in the harsh words your friends wont tell you because they know you’re just trying to cope, but everyone else will. Secrets come out in break ups, all the things people hid from you surface because they can tell you now that your ex other half is no longer your date to social events.
People run riot post break up, get your hearts out cause im on a head first course to smash them all, all I want is for you to care for five minutes so I can feel better about myself. Subconsciously, regardless of everything we say about them, sometimes we turn into a crazy person running through the streets trying to get the one person you want to love you back again.
At the end of it all, love makes you crazy, and honestly, Id be a hypocrite to give advice, cause I wont follow it. Ill continue to run riot, leaving disaster behind me cause that’s how I love, and the day I face my fears will be a great day for the person who lights up my path through the darkness, cause mark my words, they will be the happiest person to walk this earth. Me aside, what I can say is, never apologize for the times your heart takes over your head. Never ever forget feeling something is what living is. Go ahead and distract yourself but soon enough those feelings, they’ll catch you.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
the little things in life and what change does to them.
I’ve always been the sort of person that needs the newest, greatest things. Growing up an only child in a family where I had 3 mothers (my mum, my nana and my auntie) I almost always got everything I wanted. I assumed we were in a position that I could ask for anything, recently I discovered this wasn’t the case, I never realized how much my mother and my family have given up and gone without just to make me smile, just so i get my dreams. I texted my mum today, this was the text – ‘I have a little treat for you, for always being the best mum I could ask for and working hard all day long, go to Charlton jewelers and pick out a bead for your Pandora bracelet, theres a free one set up and ready for you on the account, you just need to pick it out’ - my mum called me later that evening, she said (along the lines of), thank you so much, you made my day. And with that, she made my day.
The little things in life. Those five words together really get me thinking; in reference to everything in life, these are the most important. Break ups hurt, but when you’re sitting there, alone in your bedroom, half a bottle of cheap red down, secondhand serenade on repeat and the holder of your broken hearts facebook page up on refresh; what are the things you miss? - the little things. You miss the smallest things that you overlooked at the time, you regret not making the most of every second, assuming every dinner date would never be the last, assuming every stupid little fight in the car over a misread road sign would be covered up by the next one where you joke about the last. You rip yourself up over the smallest thing you didn’t take into account at the time. Gushing aside, these little things are part of every kind of relationship or experience, broken friendships send you into a reminisce when hearing a certain song or seeing a certain inside joke walk by or occur.
Today I saw a side of an old life I used to lead; I saw it empty and cold and I remembered why I left. I took a good hard look at myself and I remembered what a friend told me earlier – “you cant change who you are if you’re unhappy, that wont change the fact that you’re not happy; you can only change your situation” - she is so right. Change is such a wide word to me. Yes, I have changed, im still me, but my situation has changed, that’s what makes us different now. Yes, I wont ever stop missing those little things. But I cannot wish them back to life by staring at them and chopping off limbs to try fit back into them.
At the end of it all, don’t ever stop yourself living, don’t be on rewind more than you’re on play. The little things are the most beautiful and from this day, im going to try notice them more. But, the little things that are gone, that’s what they are, gone, you had them and now you don’t and bluntly, it sucks, but maybe those little things wont end up your greatest regrets. Maybe your futures hardly begun and someone else, something else, is going to bring along a whole lot of new little things that you make sure you’ll never ever have to miss. Or maybe you'll get those little things back and this time, don't you blink.
The little things in life. Those five words together really get me thinking; in reference to everything in life, these are the most important. Break ups hurt, but when you’re sitting there, alone in your bedroom, half a bottle of cheap red down, secondhand serenade on repeat and the holder of your broken hearts facebook page up on refresh; what are the things you miss? - the little things. You miss the smallest things that you overlooked at the time, you regret not making the most of every second, assuming every dinner date would never be the last, assuming every stupid little fight in the car over a misread road sign would be covered up by the next one where you joke about the last. You rip yourself up over the smallest thing you didn’t take into account at the time. Gushing aside, these little things are part of every kind of relationship or experience, broken friendships send you into a reminisce when hearing a certain song or seeing a certain inside joke walk by or occur.
Today I saw a side of an old life I used to lead; I saw it empty and cold and I remembered why I left. I took a good hard look at myself and I remembered what a friend told me earlier – “you cant change who you are if you’re unhappy, that wont change the fact that you’re not happy; you can only change your situation” - she is so right. Change is such a wide word to me. Yes, I have changed, im still me, but my situation has changed, that’s what makes us different now. Yes, I wont ever stop missing those little things. But I cannot wish them back to life by staring at them and chopping off limbs to try fit back into them.
At the end of it all, don’t ever stop yourself living, don’t be on rewind more than you’re on play. The little things are the most beautiful and from this day, im going to try notice them more. But, the little things that are gone, that’s what they are, gone, you had them and now you don’t and bluntly, it sucks, but maybe those little things wont end up your greatest regrets. Maybe your futures hardly begun and someone else, something else, is going to bring along a whole lot of new little things that you make sure you’ll never ever have to miss. Or maybe you'll get those little things back and this time, don't you blink.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Touch and go.
This being my first post, i guess i should introduce myself but in all honesty, i don't want to relate this blog hugely to myself, but more to the world i live in and the things i learn in it. So ill jump right into it and along the way, you'll meet more of me, who i am and who i used to be.
In life, as we get older, i find the little things always start to mean more. Peoples sense of living heightens as we start to experience new emotions, gain new memories and change (ourselves and the things in our life's). I can only assume we crave the sense of being alive and feeling something less, the more we grow and the more we find, in ourselves and in the people we share ourselves with.
Constantly questioning our decisions and the bed we have made ourselves. This is where we become touch and go.
Touch and go is a like my personal place where facing forward only makes me need to look back to keep going. Letting go is easier for some people, i guess it depends what you're letting go; remembering the things you failed in or broke beyond repair, it hurts. We are often pushed into the time and space where a decision to let go or not is thrusted upon us, ready or not. Time shouldn't matter, but it does, because we are merely one part of a clock that continues to tick whether you can tell the difference between yesterday or a month ago. Life is short, i suppose, if you stay numb long enough, you will start to miss all the things happening in front of you. Regardless of your decisions, in almost all situations, someone else must be let down, hurt or put in a position of uncertainty to your decision. But pairing this with time itself, sometimes we just are not ready to make a decision, sometimes we think we need longer to re-hurt the person we are running from, to steal emotions from someone else that hasn't hurt us yet, to simply ignore the fact that your life is part of the life's of everyone around you. A friend of mine reminded me the other day, 'Being scared isn't an excuse', but when did being scared stop being an excuse and when did this all get so scary?
I rely on song lyrics, t.v shows and movies to try explain my feelings or predict the happy ending i want, i watch The O.C, One Tree Hill, Gossip Girl and Sex & the City and match who i think i and my life relates to, to the characters involved. I listen to The Spill Canvas and reproduce those lyrics as if im explaining all my hearts desires. But those worlds and those desires are not my own, no matter how much i disregard what im doing, waiting till the ending in those shows or the words in those songs mean enough and become my reality. They are not. The only love story worth telling is your own. The only life story worth directing is the one you control; your own. I am not Chuck Bass, i wont get the exact ending Carrie and Big got but i can hope i will and do everything within my power to work towards being the kind of person that deserves it.
I have lived in a touch and go state for at least a year now, constantly looking back.. looking so far back i missed all the chances what i was looking for was crossing my path again. Faith is a great thing, i say this in a non-religious context, to have faith in something, in yourself, in hope itself. Im constantly playing catch up, in limbo of who i was and who i am, weather that place even exists.
Sometimes its easier to lose yourself in the characters on the screen in front of you, in the words of others, in the memories you hold and in the day dreams and dreams your mind tricks you with. But until you find the words and actions and manufacture the bandages big enough to mend your wounds and the wounds your previous actions and words have caused to others, nothing will change. You will continue to lick those wounds as you try to fit into the new spaces made for you.
I personally do wish i could change a lot of things i regret, for a long time i will wake up every morning with a tear that runs through my heart and mind that reminds me of the broken glass i sprayed beneath the feet of others and beneath my own. But i know i cant go back and remove the actions of others upon me and the actions of myself upon them, i can only move forward, lessons learnt and punishments received. I don't believe at the end of the day we can only trust ourselves. I think we can learn to be loyal to others and trust others with ourselves and our actions and our words.
At the end of the day, playground rules still remain; treat others how you want to be treated. And if you don't, you cant blame them but you can hope they care about you enough to say, being scared was an excuse then, but it isn't now and now is your chance to face your fears.
In life, as we get older, i find the little things always start to mean more. Peoples sense of living heightens as we start to experience new emotions, gain new memories and change (ourselves and the things in our life's). I can only assume we crave the sense of being alive and feeling something less, the more we grow and the more we find, in ourselves and in the people we share ourselves with.
Constantly questioning our decisions and the bed we have made ourselves. This is where we become touch and go.
Touch and go is a like my personal place where facing forward only makes me need to look back to keep going. Letting go is easier for some people, i guess it depends what you're letting go; remembering the things you failed in or broke beyond repair, it hurts. We are often pushed into the time and space where a decision to let go or not is thrusted upon us, ready or not. Time shouldn't matter, but it does, because we are merely one part of a clock that continues to tick whether you can tell the difference between yesterday or a month ago. Life is short, i suppose, if you stay numb long enough, you will start to miss all the things happening in front of you. Regardless of your decisions, in almost all situations, someone else must be let down, hurt or put in a position of uncertainty to your decision. But pairing this with time itself, sometimes we just are not ready to make a decision, sometimes we think we need longer to re-hurt the person we are running from, to steal emotions from someone else that hasn't hurt us yet, to simply ignore the fact that your life is part of the life's of everyone around you. A friend of mine reminded me the other day, 'Being scared isn't an excuse', but when did being scared stop being an excuse and when did this all get so scary?
I rely on song lyrics, t.v shows and movies to try explain my feelings or predict the happy ending i want, i watch The O.C, One Tree Hill, Gossip Girl and Sex & the City and match who i think i and my life relates to, to the characters involved. I listen to The Spill Canvas and reproduce those lyrics as if im explaining all my hearts desires. But those worlds and those desires are not my own, no matter how much i disregard what im doing, waiting till the ending in those shows or the words in those songs mean enough and become my reality. They are not. The only love story worth telling is your own. The only life story worth directing is the one you control; your own. I am not Chuck Bass, i wont get the exact ending Carrie and Big got but i can hope i will and do everything within my power to work towards being the kind of person that deserves it.
I have lived in a touch and go state for at least a year now, constantly looking back.. looking so far back i missed all the chances what i was looking for was crossing my path again. Faith is a great thing, i say this in a non-religious context, to have faith in something, in yourself, in hope itself. Im constantly playing catch up, in limbo of who i was and who i am, weather that place even exists.
Sometimes its easier to lose yourself in the characters on the screen in front of you, in the words of others, in the memories you hold and in the day dreams and dreams your mind tricks you with. But until you find the words and actions and manufacture the bandages big enough to mend your wounds and the wounds your previous actions and words have caused to others, nothing will change. You will continue to lick those wounds as you try to fit into the new spaces made for you.
I personally do wish i could change a lot of things i regret, for a long time i will wake up every morning with a tear that runs through my heart and mind that reminds me of the broken glass i sprayed beneath the feet of others and beneath my own. But i know i cant go back and remove the actions of others upon me and the actions of myself upon them, i can only move forward, lessons learnt and punishments received. I don't believe at the end of the day we can only trust ourselves. I think we can learn to be loyal to others and trust others with ourselves and our actions and our words.
At the end of the day, playground rules still remain; treat others how you want to be treated. And if you don't, you cant blame them but you can hope they care about you enough to say, being scared was an excuse then, but it isn't now and now is your chance to face your fears.
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